The Testimony During the Test

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April 5th


On April 5, 2017, I saw the results that I’d been hoping for, praying for, and longing for over two years. Every test I took said yes. We were finally pregnant! I immediately went to buy things to tell Darius he was going to be a daddy and telling him was the most special moment I could’ve ever imagined. I cried and cried and we prayed and thanked God for bringing us this blessing we had wanted and been trying at for 2 years. 

 

We told our families in creative, special ways and they were moments I will never forget. They were all so excited for us and the baby we would meet in December. Maybe it sounds crazy but from the moment I saw that positive result I loved the life that was forming in me. From that day, we prayed for him/her without fail. I was going to be a mom. It was the thing I’d wanted and desired in a way I haven’t wanted anything else before. I honestly think it was the happiest time in my life thus far. 

 

Then came the day that I heard the words I never wanted to hear. “You’re going to have a miscarriage.” I was just a couple of days away from being 8 weeks and had some spotting so my Dr. told me to come in but for me, I knew spotting could still be normal. She decided to do an ultrasound and I think my heart skipped a beat. There was our baby with a flickering heartbeat. But it was a heartbeat that wasn’t at the pace it should’ve been and then came those words that broke my heart in that instant second. I went home and waited days for the things my Dr. told me to expect and which did eventually happen. I want to be very honest. It was extremely painful both physically (I don’t think I’d felt pain like that before) and emotionally. We had been trying for this for 2 years. This couldn’t be happening. (No, nothing was wrong with us physically as every test imaginable had been done over the last couple of years all to come back with results that we are two perfectly healthy people with no reason not to be able to get pregnant). I had so many questions: why do I have sit here for days knowing what’s going to happen? Why is the one thing I’ve wanted so badly no longer happening to us? What did I do wrong? How do I tell my family after we made such a big deal to announce our pregnancy? What if we never get to become parents? How will I ever smile again? How will I ever feel peace in my heart and mind again? 

 

Now here’s the part I want you to really take in. 

 

In the midst of trying for years, God never left us. When we did actually become pregnant, God was with us. When we received the news that our baby wouldn’t make it full term, God sustained us. My heart is so full and excited to explain to you how I know this with a shadow of a doubt. 

 

In the years of trying, God would send me reminders through my husband (who is such a reflection of God’s love for me) through my family and through friends. I would go to church and it would be as if the sermon was created just for me. I would open my devotion and it would be exactly what I needed to hear. I would read the stories of other women that had walked in my shoes and feel encouraged to keep pushing. In the days of waiting out a miscarriage and it actually happening God made His strength perfect in my overwhelming weakness. He gave my husband the ability to be strong for the both of us, to pray for me and us daily, multiple times a day. In the days during and after (that feeling doesn’t allow you have this quick bounce back to regular everyday life) I felt like I had no words to pray but I knew there were people interceding on my behalf. All that week I cried more than I thought was possible and as that Sunday approached I struggled with going to church or not because my husband had to work as he had stayed home with me all that week. However, I got up with a broken heart and I went when the help of a friend who had visited encouraging me. The truth is that I cried from the time I got there as worship was speaking so clearly to my heart. (To my sweet friend that walked into church that day and with no questions asked and sat with me and held my hand, you are so appreciated more than I could ever explain to you) The sermon that day was just for me. I don’t care how many hundreds of people came I knew it was just for me as it was titled “Bending But Not Breaking.” He spoke on storms that come into our lives and we feel like there is no way we will ever come back from it. That we will never overcome it and it’s just too much to handle. BUT God doesn’t allow us to break. He works on our behalf. He intercedes for us. He carries us. He loves us with an everlasting love. He sustains us when we are unable to talk to Him and when we are too weak to remind ourselves of His faithfulness.   

 

Did I leave church feeling like I wasn’t sad anymore? No. But I left feeling like one day I would be okay. I finally decided that whatever I needed I could ask Him for. I began to pray in a very specific way. For peace and joy that I knew could only come from God. For strength and faith to start trying again at some point to become parents. And I began to thank Him. For the spiritual journey. For a time that my marriage could’ve suffered, it didn’t. We became closer and more in love than we had ever been before. Do I still sometimes feel sad today even months later? Yes. But I’m not sad all the time. Sadness doesn’t last always. He gives me new Grace each and every day to keep going and fulfill the purpose He designed for my life already.  I’m able to smile. I’m able to have joy and peace. I’m able to remain hopeful. I’m able to still say, God. Is. Good. 

 

I was sent a song during this time I listened to repeatedly.

Parts of the song to “Even If” read:

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can

Yes, we had a loss. Yes, I was devastated. Yes, we had been trying for over 2 years. But EVEN IF, I still choose God. “I will remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord.” He’s been so good to us already. Why would He stop now? I remind myself often that my timing is not His timing and I have to be okay with that. His plan for us to become parents Has already been so perfectly written and I simply choose to trust in that plan no matter what my situation looks like. My husband and I choose to love each other daily, to continue to enjoy our lives as just the two of us until God’s fulfills His promises to us. We tell Him the desires of our heart and We trust Him to bring it to pass. 

To the women who have gone through a miscarriage, to the women who have being trying for years, to the women who still often think of the baby that was once was there, to the women who desire to be a mom so strongly, know that it will happen for each and every one of us. Know that you were created for such a time as this. Know that it will always work out. Know that when you need to cry it’s okay. Know that when you feel like the memory of what you went through is so fresh as if it happened yesterday that it's okay. Know that when you're asked about when you're having kids or why you haven't yet that it's okay if it makes you sad and you can decide rather you choose to answer or not. We pray for it. We desire it. We want it. We will be moms. But it's not the only thing that God created us to be. Let’s keep pushing forward being the best wives, sisters, daughters, friends, etc that we can be and one day we’ll be the best moms we can be and add it to the list of things we are rather than waiting for that one title to define us. 

I always thought I’d share our journey once we were actual parents. When I felt like our story was complete.  Then I realized that I couldn’t wait to share how God gave me my peace back and the joy back that let me smile again. That in itself is a victory. I'm one in millions that have gone through this but I needed to say my truth to bring Him glory, to hopefully help at least one person and to encourage myself that despite my miscarriage to trust Him on this journey to motherhood. There's a rainbow at the end of every storm and I know that our rainbow will come.

I love this quote that says “The deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience, until we are able to honestly pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done.”-Elisabeth Elliot.

So why share my journey now?

I choose not to wait for my perfect ending.

The best time to share the testimony is during the test.

 


We celebrated 5 years of marriage on 10.27.17. And we did it smiling, living life,traveling to California, wearing matching shirts because we're cheesy like that, loving each other, having fun and trusting in His plan for us no matter how long that takes. Faith. Over. Fear.

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